Thorbjorn Jagland, chairman of the Nobel
Peace Prize Committee, said today that President Obama “really ought to
consider” returning his Nobel Peace Prize Medal immediately, including
the “really nice” case it came in.
Jagland, flanked by the other four
members of the Committee, said they’d never before asked for the return
of a Peace Prize, “even from a damnable war-criminal like Kissinger,”
but that the 10% drawdown in US troops in Afghanistan the President
announced last week capped a period of “non-Peace-Prize-winner-type
behavior” in 2011. “Guantanamo’s still open. There’s bombing Libya.
There’s blowing bin Laden away rather than putting him on trial. Now a
few US troops go home, but the US will be occupying Afghanistan until
2014 and beyond. Don’t even get me started on Yemen!”
The Committee awarded Obama the coveted
prize in 2009 after he made a series of speeches in the first months of
his presidency, which convinced the Peace Prize Committee that he was:
“creating a new climate of…multilateral diplomacy…an emphasis on the
role of the United Nations…of dialogue and negotiations as instruments
for resolving international conflicts…and a vision of world free of
nuclear arms.”
“Boy oh boy!” added Jagland. “Did we regret that press release!”
But, he revealed the committee members
were all “legless drunk” the day they voted, as it was the start of
Norway’s annual aquavit-tasting festival. The “totally toasted” members
listened over and over to replays of Obama’s Cairo speech, tearing up
and drinking shots to the glorious future: a black man leading America
and the world into a new era of peace, hope and goodwill. “For a few
hours we were all 18 year-old students again at the beautiful,
occasionally sunny University of Bergen! Oh, how we cried for joy!”
The chairman said the
committee weren’t “going to be pills” about getting the Prize back
because they still “basically really liked” Mr. Obama and that sending
it back in a plain package by regular mail would fine if it would save
him the embarrassment of a public return. But added Jagland, “things
could get nasty” if the committee didn’t see it by the time they
announce the new Peace Prize winner in the fall. He and the committee
then excused themselves to resume their celebration of Norway’s annual
aquavit-tasting festival. The White House had no comment. It later
announced an aggressive new covert CIA initiative to identify and
apprehend Al Qaeda operatives in Scandinavia.
Source:
www.thefinaledition.com
